Summary:

Shy and retiring Patience Phillips (Halle Berry) goes through a major life change to become a part-human, part-feline superhero called Catwoman. She then sets out to prevent a homicidal supermodel (Sharon Stone) from marketing a toxic anti-aging cream. And she kicks a lot of butt in the process.

Steve says:

Halle Berry in a skimpy leather outfit with a whip and a ton of cleavage? I am so there. You couldn’t have kept me out of the theater if you had ringed it with claymore mines.  That having been said, I should add that this remains the only compelling reason to see CATWOMAN. As you’ve probably gleaned from reading the summary, the script is a barely coherent piece of fluffle. The producers went through at least four sets of writers (and who knows how many uncredited others) to arrive at a story about wrinkle cream? Yeah, but there’s that leather costume. This is a world where the manufacturer of a cosmetic is knowingly marketing a product that will turn people’s faces to cottage cheese. But somehow, they have no fear of anyone ever daring to sue them.

CATWOMAN is directed by some French guy who calls himself Pitof. (Just one letter short of being “Pistof.”) He’s one of these guys from the Michael Bay school of machine-gun editing. Every time there is an action sequence, no shot lasts more than a quarter of a second and the poor audience ends up fighting to try to see what’s happening on screen because it’s all going by at just short of the speed of  light.  Pitof is also fond of grandiose, sweeping shots that do nothing other than call attention to the camera. This kind of unmotivated camera movement crap is covered in most Filmmaking 101 courses with the exhortation “Don’t do it.”

One hopes Ms. Berry will take time off from big budget franchise movies like this opus aims to be and do a smaller, independent film that will allow her to indulge the depth of her talent as displayed in MONSTERS BALL. This piffle requires little of her as an actress. If there is any significant acting done by her in this movie, it is in the realm of the physical. She has obviously spent a considerable amount of time studying the movements of cats and incorporates them seamlessly into her physical presentation.

Her character is a reinvention of the Catwoman who lives in Gotham City and plays footsie with Batman. Selena Kyle has morphed into Patience Phillips. The script justifies this alteration in the character by explaining that she isn’t the only Catwoman and that there are others. Buried in a pile of pictures is one of someone who could have been Michelle Pfeiffer. Still, the credits say the characters were based on those conceived by Batman creator Bob Kane. Patience is a mousy commercial artist. Well, she’s supposed to be mousy, but she’s Halle Berry so even when she’s all moused up, you can’t take your eyes off her.

Benjamin Bratt, so compelling in PIÑERO, is a bland and boring leading man, unable to rise above the weak material.

Sharon Stone does her standard villainess number but attempts nothing to invigorate her role. She does still look great. But she has a speech about how she was “thrown away at forty” that pretty much sums up how her career has gone in recent years.

Alex Borstein (MAD TV) is an effective comic sidekick for Berry.

Overall, the movie rates about one kernel. But I’ve gotta add another two just for that Catwoman suit. So make it three kernels for CATWOMAN. (And an Oscar for Angus Strathie for Costume Design).

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Patty says:

Three kernels from the same guy who refuses to empty the cat litter.  Sheesh.

Halle Berry looks great, but that in itself isn’t enough to liberate this film from the status of barely watchable.   CATWOMAN lacked a decent plot, it had lackluster dialogue and the premise was about as plausible as Sylvester’s lust for Tweety.  Maybe I would have had a greater appreciation for the film had I smoked a little catnip before the show.

Meeeeeeeeow!

Berry is gorgeous.  Either she sleeps with her cinematographer or she looks great in any lighting.  Believe me, nobody looks that hot with her mouth covered in cream.    Steve wears whatever he had for lunch in his beard on a regular basis and it doesn’t come close to having the same effect.  What makes it worse is that Berry can act when she gets some decent material.   Halle, do yourself a favor and take less money for a part that where you don’t have to dress up like a dominatrix to make the scene work. 

Benjamin Bratt was a credible cop in CATWOMAN.  If you believe that cops are allowed to investigate murders that seem to be committed by the chick he’s currently dating, it’s a believable role.  Bratt catapults himself into the part and even though the script gives you paws, he does his best to be believable. 

I’m not a Sharon Stone fan, but I’ve got to admit that she’s still lookin’ good.  She works hard to capture the camera when she’s in the same scene as Berry and I find that a bit distracting. But she is sexy, compelling in her wickedness and still has a really good sense of how to distract the viewer from the ever-voluptuous Berry.

Although Steve would be happy watching Halle Berry pick her teeth with a matchbook, I just couldn’t find much to like about this film.  The cinematography was pretentious, the costuming could have as easily been straight out of the DOMS-R-US catalogue and the action scenes gave me friggin’ whiplash. 

Okay, on that note….

One kernel for CATWOMAN.  It litteraly sucks.  Please don’t think me catty

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July 25, 2004