SUMMARY

A Los Angeles fireman (Arnold Schwarzenegger) watches in horror and his pretty wife and young son are blown up in a public bombing by a Colombian terrorist known as “El Lobo.”  When politics and State Department red tape preclude any action being taken against El Lobo, Arnold travels to Colombia on his own -- a one man army hell-bent on revenge.

STEVE SAYS:

As our regular readers know, we have a ten-year-old named Chris.  So, of course, there was no discussion about what film we would see as a family this week.  However, on the way to the theater, Chris was observed casting furtive glances in the direction of ROLLERBALL posters.  If that, and the muscled-one’s current opus, COLLATERAL DAMAGE are indications, it’s getting to be time for Arnie to hang up his dancin’ shoes. 

COLLATERAL DAMAGE is a by-the-numbers Schwarzenegger movie.  Stoic hero faces enormous odds alone, emerging triumphant.  Ooops, did I give away the ending?  Of course, there was always the chance that Arnold would walk into a situation that was more than he could handle and these Colombian terrorists would make lunch meat out of him.  Yeah.  Right.  Like that’s gonna happen.  We pay to watch Arnold kick butt and he does.  But, like sex in year twenty of marriage, the thrill is gone.  (Patty and I have only been married for three years, so I’m on safe ground here). 

Someone thought it would be a good idea to make Arnold’s character more sensitive, more human, more real.  Too bad.  We like our Arnold to be a super-human, insensitive cartoon hero.  We don’t want him taking time to grieve his losses the way real people do.  To give credit where it’s due, however, we do see more acting from Schwarzenegger in his shock and grief than I have ever observed in any of his other films.  But what we like is that larger-than-life, “I’ll be back” guy who never failed to thrill us with his stoic, single-minded commitment to his task, the kicking of serious butt.   We don’t get that guy in this film.  We get a fireman named -- are you ready -- Gordy Brewer.

Why is it that Arnold never plays an Austrian?  I mean, geez, who else talks like that?  But invariably, his characters have monikers like Ben Richards, Douglas Quaid, John Kimble -- and now -- Gordy Brewer.  Gordy!  Now, to my mind, “Gordy” is a pushy neighbor who borrows your power tools and forgets to return them.  Gordy was the guy in high school who wore his pants way to high.  “Gordies” are not kickers of butt.

Among the supporting actors, Elias Koteas has a nice turn as a CIA agent who is dogging Gordy’s progress in Columbia .

Cliff Curtis (TRAINING DAY) does a serviceable, if not memorable, job as Claudio “El Lobo” Perrini, while Italian actress Francesca Neri (HANNIBAL) has some nice touches as Mrs. Lobo. 

Look for some pro flourishes in the acting department, thanks to a couple of appealing cameos by John Turturro and John Leguizamo.  But overall, the movie was a bore and just didn’t work for me.

Director Andrew Davis (THE FUGITIVE) really needed to pace this puppy up.  There were long stretches when Arnold didn’t have much to do, either sitting in a cell talking to John Turturro or trudging through Mexican jungles that were supposed to be Colombian.

But all negatives aside for a moment, I do have to take my hat off and indulge in a moment of silence to observe the passing of the Arnold era.  The formula started to pop its rivets many movies ago and has since become tired and overused.  It needs to be retired.  I say that with regret and a lump in my keyboard because I was one who always looked forward to the release of the next Schwarzenegger epic and the chance to spend a couple of hours watching a personality who, though not any great shakes as an actor, is one of the most charismatic film presences of the last century.  But as a late and former Beatle once observed, all things must pass.

Oh, and yes -- despite everything I just said -- I will see TERMINATOR 3, just like everybody else.

I should also add that Chris liked the movie.  He even liked it a lot.  But he didn’t love it.  I’m sure it will only be a day or so before he starts dropping hints about seeing ROLLERBALL.  (Please God, if there’s any way to avoid that, I’d be willing to convert to any religion you might require).

COLLATERAL DAMAGE deserves only one kernel, but because Chris liked it, I’m giving it one and a half.

 

PATTY SAYS:

C'mon, Steve.  Arnold has about four facial expressions that he passes off for acting and you have always loved him anyway.  It's not the formula that makes a Schwarzenegger movie appallingly predictable, it's Arnold.  This movie is no exception.  I'd have to raise the expectation bar substantially to be disappointed, because I set it lower than a snakes belly in a tire rut when you boys drag me to see the infamous Mr. S.

COLLATERAL DAMAGE was about an hour and a half longer than it needed to be.  John Leguizamo played the only interesting character in the movie and he was in and out of the plot faster than Winona Ryder can cut off sales tags. 

Schwarzenegger plays a bionic fireman who goes where no CIA operative has gone before to drag bad boy "El Lobo" out of the Colombian outback.  The Feds have missile equipped helicopters, guys in ninja suits with big guns and an unlimited supply of machismo, but they pale by comparison to Arnie's one man SWAT team.  We got to see all the cool stuff:  explosions, shooting, bloodshed, necks broken, Arnold beating up guys and guys beating up Arnold.  What we didn't see was any plausible reason that our hero could have pulled any of this off.

If you're one of our ten year old boy readers, you're going to love this movie.  If you're a grown up, just buy a copy of the Weekly World News.  You'll get the same level of entertainment value and it's cheaper than the cost of a movie ticket.

 

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February 9, 2002