SUMMARY:

Austin (Mike Myers) goes back to 1975 in search of the evil Goldmember, (Mike Myers) who escapes to the present, where he forms an alliance with Dr. Evil (Mike Myers). Together, they plot to melt the polar ice caps and flood the earth. Austin’s spy father Nigel Powers, (Michael Caine, not Mike Myers) is kidnapped, and Austin receives an important clue as to his whereabouts from Fat Bastard, (yep, Mike Myers). That’s pretty much it...I think.

STEVE SAYS:

At the conceptual level, the whole Austin Powers idea should never have worked. First, it’s an elongated skit. Granted, it never was truly a sketch, but just because it wasn’t done on SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE doesn’t mean that POWERS isn’t born of the same slimy primordial ooze as IT’S PAT and NIGHT AT THE ROXBURY.

Second, as Mel Brooks learned so painfully in his 1987 STARS WARS spoof, SPACEBALLS, if you’re going to satirize something, it’s best to do it when it’s hot and not ten or twenty years after the fact. Granted, they still churn out James Bond movies, but 007 hasn’t been a true phenom for decades.

Yet, despite the fact that the original AUSTIN POWERS: INTERNATIONAL MAN OF MYSTERY should have fallen on its ass, here we are with the third (and probably most lucrative) episode of what has become a franchise. The reason for this transcendence has a name: Mike Myers. He’s a genuinely funny human being and I believe he’s incapable of doing a film without laughs in it. There are plenty of them in GOLDMEMBER, even if 98% of them are either scatological or dealing in some manner with orifices and body fluids. To say that there is a theme to the humor would be to understate it. But the movie nevertheless gets every laugh that it goes after, much of which must be credited to Myers, the actor, rather than Myers, the writer and his partner, Michael McCullers. Indeed, Myers’ screen presence accounted for WAYNE’S WORLD’s ability to rise above its SNL roots.

Yet, sadly, AUSTIN POWERS IN GOLDMEMBER is, for the most part, a terrible movie. This is not to say that the other POWERS movies were great cinema or even passable storytelling. (Remember, the entire plot to THE SPY WHO SHAGGED ME was that someone had stolen Austin’s “mojo” and he had to get it back). But this latest installment of the Myers saga is the weakest yet. After a laugh-filled pre-credit sequence featuring assorted star cameos, the chortle-well dries up for the next half hour, returning intermittently during the film’s third act. There is little doubt that AUSTIN POWERS is growing creaky and should be retired. But there is even less doubt that the opening weekend grosses will insure a steady output of POWERS movies until well after Mike Myers’ AARP membership has kicked in.

While I am the first to acknowledge Myers’ talent and versatility, the fact that he plays four roles in GOLDMEMBER is getting to be a little bit like, “Hey, look at what I can do.” The late Peter Sellers did it to far greater effect in DR. STRANGELOVE. And he played his four STRANGELOVE characters as real people, not as Saturday morning cartoons.

This is not to say the Mike Myers isn’t one of the funniest people working in films. But it would be a shame if we never got to see what else he might be able to come up with if he weren’t saddled with yet another POWERS movie every two years.

Newcomer Beyoncé Knowles, lead singer of Destiny Child, shows evidence of some real screen charisma. She pulls off the Pam Grier-ish role of Foxxy Cleopatra with style and tons of energy. It will be interesting to see if she can play a real flesh and blood person with equal skill. But Knowles looks like one to watch.

As a side note, when we entered the theater to see this film, it was filled with young parents and their small children. (Indeed, we had an eleven year old and a four year old with us). I remarked to Patty that times have certainly changed when young families go together to see a film called GOLDMEMBER, replete its cornucopia of pee-pee, caa-caa and titty jokes.

Since I often rail against alleged comedies that do not, in fact, contain any laughter, I do have to say that there are plenty of solid yucks in GOLDMEMBER, despite their origin. For that reason alone, I’m giving the movie a higher rating than it deserves:

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PATTY SAYS:

When Steve says, Beyoncé Knowles (or fill in the blank) “is one to watch,” one must assume that he’s in cleavage heaven and not paying attention to her acting. Otherwise, how could he have missed Knowles’ mousy, lackluster performance in GOLDMEMBER. Sorry, Stevie, her acting is as flimsy as O.J.’s alibi. Aside from the opening credit cameos, most of the non-Myers performances were like watching your neighbor’s vacation videos. Michael Caine hammed it up, but the idea of Caine being cast in the part of Austin Powers’ father was funnier than his actual performance. It was a little like having your grandmother show up at your next Thanksgiving dinner in a g-string and pasties. Something is wrong with this picture. He does get the good sport award for accepting the part, however.

Robert Wagner looked bored out of his skull.

Verne Troyer, the diminutive guy who plays Mini-Me, subjects himself to more of the movie equivalent of “dwarf-tossing.” Of course, he’s probably laughing (more than the audience) all the way to the bank.

Seth Green as Scott Evil is nondescript, but it’s more the fault of miscasting than performance. He just doesn’t sell as Dr. Evil’s son, next to his over-the-top sibling, Mini-Me. Of course, who could complete with a character whose whole performance mimics Myers’ schick for two frickin’ hours?

The notable exception to my list of GOLDMEMBER forgettable performances was Mindy Sterling’s Frau Farbissina. She actually steals scenes from Myers. She should have stolen a few more.

I agree with Steve that Myers is a talented guy. His Austin Powers/Dr. Evil/Fat Bastard characters were hysterical the first time I saw them, amusing in the sequel, and like a wedgie in your panties this third go around. I would have had as much fun with a group of ten year old boys around the campfire after a dinner of cold baked beans. This script was just a succession of fart jokes. Granted, some of them were funny fart jokes, but nevertheless….

I enjoy Mike Myers’ acting. He is creative and zany like Robin Williams, except I don’t have to take Ritalin before his performance. Mike, baby, let me see what else you can do. This is old news. It’s true what they say, you can’t go home again. And, why would you want to?

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