Steve says:

AMERICA’S SWEETHEARTS is billed as a comedy. By my definition, a comedy is more along the lines of SOMETHING ABOUT MARY, in which you leave the theatre with aching sides because you’ve been laughing so hard. By those standards, AMERICA’S SWEETHEARTS is not a comedy. But it is “cute,” meaning that it has about a half-dozen moderately funny moments, the best of which involves Billy Crystal and an overly amorous Doberman pincer.

The script by Crystal and his writing partner, Peter Tolan, should have been much funnier than it is, given the fact that the story is set in the world of movie press junkets. These junkets are standard in the movie business. They involve flying press representatives from newspapers and television stations all over the country to some lavish location where they are wined, dined, gifted and allowed five minutes worth of interview time with the film’s stars. The hope, of course, is that these entertainment reporters will be sufficiently impressed to shine a favorable light upon the studio’s film and perhaps get some butts into theater seats. Sounds like a promising arena for a fall-down funny comedy, but the laughs here take a backseat to a love story that is entirely predictable. Crystal and Tolan scored much more successfully in their last collaboration, ANALYZE THIS.

I do have to bestow the good sport of the decade award upon Julia Roberts, who is not afraid to appear on the same screen as some of the film world’s most gorgeous women. She did it previously with Cameron Diaz in MY BEST FRIEND’S WEDDING, and repeats this act of incredible generosity here with the heart-stoppingly beautiful Catherine Zeta-Jones. To Roberts’ credit, neither of these beauties even casts a shadow on that smile that made her a star in PRETTY WOMAN. She also appears in glasses and a fat suit for a couple of flashback scenes in which she was supposed to have been 60 pounds overweight. Good sport, indeed.

Crystal portrays movie PR hype artist, Lee Phillips, who is called upon by studio head Dave Kingman (the incredibly talented Stanley Tucci) to shepherd Zeta-Jones and her estranged husband John Cusack through the press junket for their latest film, “Time Upon Time.” It seems the couple separated right after filming ended and the two have been at odds ever since.

Roberts plays Zeta-Jones’ mousy sister and personal assistant, Kiki, who has long carried a torch for Cusack. Any guesses who he’ll end up with?

Hank Azaria appears as Zeta-Jones’ Latin lover, Hector. Azaria gets his share of the laughs doing a riff on Antonia Banderas. He’s always dependable in any comic role that is handed him, whether it’s the clumsy gay manservant, Agador, in THE BIRDCAGE or any of the numerous voice-over roles he performs on THE SIMPSONS.

Christopher Walken plays director Hal Weidmann, a thinly-disguised roman a clef of the late director, Hal Ashby, who was as noted for his eccentricities as for as his abundant talents. Weidmann is holding his film hostage, resulting in the fact that no one, even studio head Kingman, has seen it before it is screened for the press at the junket. This ends up as one of the film least believable story beats.

A few words about Joe Roth, who returns to directing after several successful years of running 20th Century Fox and Disney. I have a bit of a personal beef with Mr. Roth, who directed the only film I wrote that was ever produced. This man took a potential Academy Award-winning gem of a comedy and turned it into a steaming pile of crap. Um -- okay, maybe I’m overstating the artistic potential of this film just a bit. It was, after all, “Revenge of the Nerds II: Nerds in Paradise .” But in a recent interview in Movieline magazine, Roth admitted that he didn’t do a very good job directing “Nerds,” which is a little like Hitler admitting that he didn’t do a very good job taking over the world. But the good news here is that Roth’s work is infinitely better than it was on my opus. Sure, Joe. Now you learn how to direct.

If you’re stuck for an evening’s entertainment, you could do a lot worse than AMERICA ’S SWEETHEARTS, which I realize is damning with faint praise. But really, that’s about all the praise it deserves. Given its pedigree, this film should have been a knock-down drag-out laugh fest. It wasn’t.

Three kernels with -- maybe a little butter.

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Patty says:

Two hours can fly by for me if I get John Cusack close ups in every other frame. That boyish charm almost makes me forget to grab an occasional handful of Reese’s Pieces away from Steve before he inhales the whole pack. Granted Billy Crystal is funny, Catherine Zeta-Jones is gorgeous, and Julia Roberts (looking a little Calista Flockhartesque next to the buxom Ms. Zeta-Jones) is…well, Julia Roberts.

I was prepared to have to poke Steve in the ribs occasionally if his snoring volume approximated the rumble of a 6.5 quake. He hates chick flicks. No, that’s inaccurate. He HATES chick flicks. This had all the tell-tale trailer signs of a chick flick. Beautiful movie star (Zeta-Jones) and handsome movie star (John, my heart throb Cusack) fall in love, get married and become the pulse of all that pent-up, unrequited lust that we women commonly mistake for love. Wake up, women of America ! Tom Cruise is gay! Get over it. If Nicole Kidman can’t make his toes tingle -- woops, I digress.

Said beautiful movie star strays from her vows and into the bed of a Latin lover (beautifully portrayed by Hank Azaria) who is shallower than George W. Bush’s gene pool. Handsome movie star catches the two in the slippery slope between hanky and panky and goes a bit over the proverbial edge. Mr. and Ms. Movie Star split and don’t see one another until their last movie together is about to be released. Now Ex-Mr. and Ms. avoid one another for a year of post-production, but agree to come together to promote the film and perhaps -- oh yeah, save their floundering, post-couple careers. Ms. Movie star brings her ever-loyal, ever-patient, long-suffering sister, (enter the enchanting Ms. Roberts) to carry her luggage. Their publicist (Billy Crystal) brings the entire ensemble to the desert, along with a gazillion journalists, to promote the movie.

The problem is that the film is missing. But that’s all you’ll get out of me unless you threaten me with bamboo spikes under the fingernails, or tie me to a chair and play a continuous loop of Dr. Laura radio shows.

This film was entertaining. I laughed out loud several times to the great embarrassment of my ten year old. Billy Crystal’s humor is solid and enduring, as is his charm. The acting was good, the script was funny and I actual ly believed that love and justice will win out over narcissism and greed every time. Of course, I still believe in the Easter Bunny.

Go see this film. It’s worth the cost of the ticket and at least a small tub of popcorn. Women, take your spouse or significant other and remember that while Roberts may go home with John Cusack, there’s something to be said for the guy who will get up in the middle of the night and turn up the air conditioning during your hot flash.

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